This Also And

This,

Also,

And-

All absorb

Time.

Give Nothing.

Attach

This Nothing

Also Nothing

And Nothing.

Yes Sir, No Sir

I have a problem with authority.

I see my fathers face in:

Principals,

Police,

Popes, Priests and Nuns,

n'

Parking attendants-

My father would 

beat me 

mercilessly.

No Sir,

Yes Sir-

Telling

What to do-

How to do it

and

How I was fucking it up-

I have a problem with authority. 

Yes sir.

I have a problem with:

Control 

Power

Abuse

Yes Sir, No sir.

And now it is my turn

to tell others 

what to do,

how to it

and 

how they are  fuckin it up.

I do not see my fathers face in them-

No sir.

I see my 

face as a child.

 And with 

Kindness

Compassion

and

Patience

remind them 

its okay to make mistakes

its how we learn

its how we grow

I have become the father 

I never had, to children who not mine-

so that they do not grow to

resent in anger.

No sir ree bob.

Poem Scraps

I.
While writing other things:
 
De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis
Human Combustion

I hate the both of you,
one times 2,
one times 3.

She is ugly in a beautiful kind of way
She is beautiful in ugly kind of way

In the morning she will have a story
to tell of how she narrowly avoided getting wet.

II.
I have felt your
hands slipping before-

maybe I've no right
to try  to hold
your hand tighter.

From the moment you came into my life,
I've tried to prepare for you leaving.

I learned we are the same with
goodbyes.

Sneaking out,
in silence.

(We have that in common)

But if you don't hear from me again,
its because i've run out of ways to
say I'm sorry.

III.
Letting  you in,
has been a most dangerous thing.

I've know
Carelessness
Indifference
Rejection
before.

but compared
to the damage I do to myself
you and all the rest,
have been amateurs.

Fucking amateurs.

"If you want something done right,
you gotta do it your self."

IV.
I was told-
that my soul

was under the impression,
that suffering was the surest way to you.

There are times
I question everything you do.

Including your very existence.

In matters of my heart,
I thought you most cruel.

Waiting to the last possible moment to answer.

I don't want to suffer anymore.

So you've granted me
Mercy-

You let me see you in eyes of woman.
You let me feel you in her heart.
You let me feel you in my own heart.

Then you took it away.

Mercy-

V.
So hands join together not hold, but to clap
So she says "its time to go, I drawn you a map.
So the spring that released set in motion a trap
So empty the box, left behind like the gift to unwrap

VI.
 as if
We will never die,

though the flame will
weaken into embers.

What was once a raging fire-
(consuming all in its path)
must become ashes.

There is a cycle of destruction  and birth.

what came before
what comes after,
what was destroyed this cycle
gave birth.

It gives birth to us.

VII.
For the moment, I feel they have lifted the curse,
the one given to me at birth, to carry by hearse, on my way back to the earth.



12/13- 7/15

Sometime We Ask

Sometimes we ask for a miracle and the answer is no.

You tried your best 

to save me from my sins.

My mother stood by me.

There is a karma to theses things.

I think I saw a butterfly flutter by.

I took it as a sign.

But it was just a butterfly.

Sometimes we ask for a miracle 

and the answer is no.

The Call

we were sitting on the grass,
you were looking so pretty in the light of day.

you took off your shoes
we watch the squirrels do their dance.

They chase one another.

One in the tree waiting so gracefully for the other
and
the second stalls, keeping the first in suspense.

Then chase  turns to dance-
something calls the other, and they just can't run away.

I turn back to you,
and your lookin so pretty in the sun.

You put your hand on my knee like its gonna be alright-
as if the world ain't so bad.

You say its a good thing the phone hasn't rung,
so I run to a tree before its too late to knock on wood.

You pick up the phone as it starts to ring
superstitiously-
(oh so ironically)
but it was gonna happen sooner later.

Nothing can last
not her beauty
not the dance
not hope

It can not last-

The future is unpredictable-
The present is perfect.

Her hand on my knee can not last.

The Dance must end
The Chase must end
and
one will either escape or the other  must be
be caught.

And then, well I can not know until it happens...

There is this moment-

There is nothing else.

I look at you one last time,
stand up, brush off grass 

and you put on your shoes.

My life's about to change,
in ways I still do not understand yet.

We were waiting for a call,

but really we waiting on a miracle.

You were so pretty, everything else fades away.

My world is about to burn.

I will use you.

I will use her.

I will start a new fire to ignore the other.

I have a difficult conversation ahead of me,
as different girl must be let go,
a different girl who does not want my love
who also does not need my love.

I must answer the call.

Frozen in Carbonite

And I swear

if you saw it

you could see there was something there.

When

 they turned me around 

and took me away,

My heart 

speaks the words

"I know"

I didn't get to see the look upon your face.

but the other day

my mother 

said the way 

you looked at me,

a woman knows.

Your bags were packed.

You fly off. 

She says she's never seen star wars.

You Made Your Mother Cry

{Draft 1

You've made your mother cry.

You broke your mothers heart..

She says

we are poor,

we don't much except 

the honor of name.

you name is only thing you have.
keep it clean

keep your name clean.

Be the lotus in the swamp

Whose leaves stay white among

the swamp.

stay pure.

You've marred your name.

You're cover in mud

You failed her one 

request of you.

In the swamp is where I was born into

and  

the rain 

like her tears

will never

make me clean.

[I am the lotus 

stained 

I am the lotus

impure

I am the lotus

I am the swamp]

 

a serious woman

I.

She is the first woman
I have ever trusted completely.
So, absolutely.

I trust her,
I believe in her.

For the first time,
I do not question,
I do not doubt,
I do not require to be loved.

I trust her to save me-
not from my crimes,
but from myself.

II.


My love, it is not required here.
Only my trust.

I have not trusted girlfriends
or my mother.

I have not trusted therapists
or the women who have told me they loved me.

I have not trusted the women who were kind to me,
but I believed the ones that were cold.
(though that was not trust either)

I have not trusted my teachers,
or the Angels
who said they'd watch over me.

But I trust her.
With so much at stake,
I trust her.

I trust her because,
she is the most serious woman I know.



She wears a heart around her neck,
and square rim glasses frame eyes,
that see my sins.

She towers over me in heels.
She flips her pen
and her hair sticks up when she moves it to the side.

She is the most serious woman I know.

My love,
and the love of others, has so often failed me-

So I give her my trust,
because there can be no failing this time.

III.

Love has never been honest
Love has never come through
Love has never been kind

Love,
My love, it is not required here.
Only my trust.

Love requires that you accept the knife
will be plunged from the back.

But the absence of love
does not guarantee the absence of a knife
to plunge-
(That is the beauty of trust)

Trust requires only that "if", 

and only "if" it should come to that,
it will be quick and painless.

(And she will look you in the eyes)

With so much at stake,
what I required most is a serious woman.

A most serious woman, who has the answers,
who flips her pen.

Believing she is part of god's master plan for me.
Believing she is a chance at redemption
Believing she, unlike the rest, will not fail me.

I have long ago stopped believing in miracles-
I believe in her.

I Forgot All About That

I remember
you invited me to your roommates baby shower,
and I never made it because I spent the whole day making spaghetti for the potluck.
You got mad, because I called late at night to ask if I should still bring my dish.
You also invited me to Lou's party, but never gave me the address.

I remember
you dancing to Outkast with your roommate and me in your living room, and it was the kind of moment that brings a small light in remembering it. You also tried to teach me the Beyonce moves from Crazy in Love, but I never had much coordination.

I remember
the Polaroid pictures of you on the potty, taken by your then live in boyfriend, hanging on the wall, before we were even introduced. Even before meeting, I knew the person in those pictures might understand the Zen of it all. You also asked your then boyfriend to do me that one favor, that one time.

I forgot that
we were going to be roommates but I still hadn't gotten my act together then.
we were going to be writing partners and make a children's book like the Hubley's did "The Hat"
but we never got around to it. we saw my ex girlfriend at the Pixies concert and you gave her a dirty look for me.

I forgot that
we were going to be pen pals, but I never sent out the first letter, even though I sat down and finished it. we were going to watch the movie "Manhattan" in a cemetery, but can't remember why we didn't go. we went to that Japanese restaurant where the owner gives you free desert if she likes you, and she did.

I forgot that
we were close at one time. we were part of each others lives, until I told you that I saw my spiritual reflection in you, and you turned on me. You got mad that I would impose that feeling on you, that I would violate some boundary. I didn't say I loved you, but what I said was just as bad.
(To you, maybe worse.)

I had never told anyone I saw my reflection in them before, I doubt ever will again.
Either way you didn't want anything to do with spiritual reflections or me, ever again.

It hurt to lose you so completely.
We were friends, then nothing.

I wish I could forget how it ended.
I wish I could forget the details.
I wish I could forget we were close at one time.

I but I have to remember, so that at least one of us does.

There Are Easier Ways to Get Laid

"You can't love everyone, but you can be kind."-Father Yod



Before He was a Cult leader of young beautiful people
Before He was Father Yod, the lead singer of Yahowha 13
Before He was God cheating on his wife, sleeping with underage girls-

He was just Jim Baker, millionaire.

Who,
Killed a couple of guys with Judo chops,
Robbed a few banks,
and
Opened a successful organic vegetarian restaurant on the Sunset strip.

(Yes the same one Annie Hall and Alvy broke up at)

It was a crazy time back then.
It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Maybe it was because his 19 year old hippie bride turned him on to the new age
Maybe it was the Swami who had all those Rolls Royce in his garage.
Maybe it was smoking that sacred herb.

But that crazy bastard started his own cult.

Founded on the idea of pleasure,
he was followed by young Beautiful women.
he was followed by young Men who looked like Jesus.
So many of them all living in the Hollywood Hills.

(Yes, Even Harold without Maude, once joined)

Jim Baker millionaire, became Father Yod cult leader.

Touch him and the world disappears
Look at him and see lighting bolts shoot out his ears
Turn to him and he can blow life into a still born baby

It was a crazy time back then.
It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

(Yes, then it got weird)

Teaching Sex Magic.
Singing lead in the cult's band.
Playing high school shows recruiting the youth.
Taking 13 new brides at once, while forgetting all the others he walked out on.

His followers believed they were chosen to usher in the new Aquarian age

believing Armageddon  was coming

so they moved to Hawaii.

But, Hawaii was no paradise.

There,
only on mushrooms did
he finally admit he was not god, but just a man

He was just a man.
It was over.

In the end He went hang gliding-
without having taken any lessons.

There was a strong wind that day,
that brought a man down from the heavens,
and returned him back to hard cold earth.

It was the age of Aquarius.
It was a different time back then.

There had to have been easier ways to get laid.

Long Line Of

Some will say,
you are the biggest loser they know.

That may be true...
(I don't know)

But look on the bright side...

The Winners needs you.

That means somewhere out there
is someone calling you a loser,
living a Winner's life.
surrounded by all these other Winners.

Having Winner parties,
Participating in Winner orgies and BBQ's,
Receiving some sort of Winner award.

(A plaque or a certificate or something.)

Somewhere out there
is someone calling you a loser,
surrounded by flawless beautiful models,
or airline stewardess, or yoga instructors.

Loved by Winner Mothers and Fathers
Never having to see a Winner Doctor
to Cure them of any Loser's disease.
And never know what s its like
lose:

love-

friends-

faith-

or they do and they figured it out
and you couldn't cuz your stupid
or something
weak

pathetic
pitiful
or something.


Maybe they don't know many people.
Maybe they can't help but be lucky

Maybe they pray for us.

Some will ask what is to be done about the loser problem?
(That may not be entirely true.)

Look on the bright side,
out all the
failures,
losers
deadbeats
and bums
you my friend are
greatest,
the biggest among them.

You are perfect.

Like the Termite

Like a Fake Rolex

Like a Promise from 

a woman who thinks your

ugly

You come from a long line-

the one that doesn't move 

and keeps getting longer.

forming a endless circle...

You come from

a long line of-

Its okay.

Without you,

the winner would have nothing 

except other winners-

(and should they notice)

now be unable to

mutter

"There but by the grace of god, go I"

punctuated

it will begin or end only with an exclamation mark!
or have I misunderstood it all ending with a question mark?

so many periods of time filled with question marks.
long periods of time filled with long pauses...

you can tell anyone you love them.

in quotation marks,
out of context-
(hyperbole)

you can think you love any one of them,
in a thought bubble.

until the bubble bursts.

ruptured
punctured
punctuated

no, we will end not with question marks,
only your answers will... sentencing me to a life doubt.

love is punctuated, leaving no doubt.

and anything other than a exclamation,
will have no point.

no ifs ands or buts.
period.

When You Think of Yoga

When you think of Yoga,
think of Jorge Ramirez Valenzuela.

They say as a boy,
He would hear voices that no one else could hear.

When He turned 18, the voices told Him, he was to go to India.

But He was a poor young man from Guatemala,
without a cent to his name.

The voices told Him to buy a lottery ticket,
so He did and He won.

When He got India, he was greeted by
a bearded man familiar to him only
in His dreams.

He trained in India as a mystic,
until He returned to Guatemala in the 50's.

He came to offer his knowledge
to poor of Guatemala.

He taught them Yoga
He taught them the Dharma
He taught them how to ease their suffering-

and suffering, along with coffee beans,
was one of the few things
Guatemala had an abundance of.

My mother told me, that when she met first Him,
she was skeptical the way teenagers are,
and dared him to prove his mystic powers.

That night an entity made of light woke my
mother and aunt up while they slept.

They screamed in fear, but
she never doubted Him again.

He once told his followers of the Templo Yoga
to protest the corruption of its country's leaders.

In Guatemala that's something you don't do.
The government took him.

Some say, letter writing and Amnesty International
got Him out, but a political prisoner getting out prison alive,
in Guatemala in the 60's, is nothing short of proof of a higher power at work.

And through Him
the ascended master teachers would speak

Karishnanda
Krishanda

They would speak the words
so desperately needed in this world,
but heard by so few.

Practiced by even fewer.

And when He died
the temple moved to a smaller
location.

His followers dispersed.

And the practice of Yoga
in Guatemala went into decline.

When He died,
there was a little more suffering in the world.

They say at night,
there is light that still emanates from his grave.

When you think of Yoga, think of 

Jorge Ramirez Valenzuela.

curly hair don't care

(B Side)


Dragons
Fireworks
Alarm clocks

Curly hair don't care

Guillotines
Paper cuts
Stop signs

Curly hair don't care

Hurricanes
Kites
Turn Tables

Curly hair don't care

Valentines
Flowers
Silly poems

Curly hair don't care...she really don't

There was a pause

(The Leonard Cohen Fan Club series part 5)

And there was a pause
between  the applause and what i knew for certain
between the bow and the curtain
between the omitted fact and the need for more
between the last act and the staged encore-

and there was a pause
between every word you spoke, and the air you inhale,
between what I heard and my dark skin turning pale.
between the our unspoken vow,
between the us, here and now.

and in that pause
I fell in and out of love
I fell from below as well as above.
I fell awake, long after the sleep-
I fell into the swallow to rise from the deep.

and in that pause
I fell under a spell, fell silent after that look,
I fell for the oldest trick in the book.
I fell for your beauty- your skin and your hair.
I fell into shock as I fell down the stair, head over heals,
pushed down by Proufrock whispering "Beware, beware beware".

Chingona

Ella es mi Campeona,
La mas Chingona

She is my champion,
the baddest bitch.

I've put my life in her hands.
Trusting her completely.

And
should we lose, we lose together.

But she can not lose,
She is a Champion.

My Champion,
the baddest Bitch.

With her smarts
and my heart,
(together)
We can not lose.

Like a Valkyrie
she will chose who the fuck will live
and who will die, upon the field of battle.
(pobres cabrones, me dan lastima)

and should Odin chose that I fall in battle,
she will carry me up, to the mercy of Valhalla.

But together, we can not lose.
(juntos a la victoria)

She is a Champion.

My Champion,
the baddest bitch.

Ella es mi Campeona,
La mas Chingona

shadow play

"My love's like the warmth of the sun
It won't ever die"-  The Beach Boys



When you shine your light on me,

you cast my shadow on the ground.

When I move closer the shadow grows.

The brighter your light the darker it appears. 

there is no escaping it.

You see me and you see my shadow.

But I only see your light,

and if I stare into you much longer it will blind me.

Until I begin to resent our arrangement in the cosmos.

So I close my eyes and
you become all shadow.

And the longer my eyes stay closed ,
our shadows play.

Until it is like a dream,
that I do not want to wake from.

But I always open my eyes,
for death, is to keep your eyes closed forever.

So, I choose to not look away-
to let your light blind me.

To be left in my mind,
left in the coldness of space.

Only to feel the warmth of your light.

Like a planet ellipses around a sun,

I get closer and further to you.

Endlessly-
Closer and further

Endless
Springs and Winters

Until you resent our arrangement in the cosmos.

 Until you Supernova-
collapsing into a Black Hole.

No one escapes,
No one spared.

And there in that hole,
I do not dream of what darkness dwells.

It Suits You

Say something pretty.

You're good with words.
(but not much else)

There has to be something you want to admit.
To lay out like a suit on your bed,
before you wear it.

The truth is the last real beautiful thing there is, wear it well,
and hang failure around you neck,
like a tie.

You have been failing at so much,
for so long.
You wear it well.

But you were always good with words.
Without them,
you're barely anything-
you're barely alive.

So, say something pretty,
lay out something beautiful to wear,
something dark
something true
something black.

As if attending a funeral,
you look good in Black.
(It suits you)

Even if the funeral is your own.

New Moon, Friendship, Courage

The tarot lady with tattoos on her face
tells me a story.

I asked her what to do about you.
Or better yet I asked the cards.

Something simple
got less simple

Thought I wanted closure.
Until I needed  nothing.

But you back to remind me

You came back

and now I'm here

with a woman 

with tattoos on her face 

asking 

cards about 

the unknown

She says:

New Moon

Friendship 

Courage

The Grave Digger

For Gigi



There is no hole deep enough

to bury the longing to walk with you again.

But I keep digging.

I try to do a good job.

Making a perfect hole.

But there no hole 

deep enough to bury

what I feel.

What am i burying?

It is not the love for you.

It is not the memory of you.

It is not my own suffering.

I try to do a good job,

Making a perfect hole.

I am tired of thinking of all

the things I could have done 

differently.

To keep you alive.
(If any)

My heart aches.

I want to at least get this one

miserable thing 

right.

To show you I love you,
one last time.

Gigi

She was tough old broad.
Beautiful.
So small-

white fur. black lips.
Big black eyes that looked
into your soul.

She only had 6 teeth,
but that never stopped her
from picking fights with
the trash of this world.

fierce
fearless

She was a tough old broad.

But her love was tender.
frail
fragile.

She made my life better.
Her love was loyal -
She was better than most people.

Time is unforgiving.
cruel.
Time takes.

You try so hard to hold on.

In my heart
I still hold you like a baby.

I hold you like a baby.