10 Reasons I Wanna Write Part 1

 (As posed in Writing Down the Bones by N. Goldberg)

I want to write because...

1) the 17 year old still in me, is still trying so fucking hard to impress her.

2) Bukowski made personal truth seem more important than fitting in.

3) I'm sad.

4) I want to use poetry as bait, to land and fall in love with a girl whose mother and father loved her, and raised her to not be broken, maybe she'll let me in on the secret.

5) I never got tattoos in the 90 like a fucken idiot, and I wanna be interesting. 

6) I want to join the Velvet Underground, are they still a thing.

7)  I'm not the worst at it, or at least that's what it says on the box.

8) I forget what Eight was for.

9) I got a couple poems published, it was a treat to see the book in a Barnes and Noble, and when I die I will live on in those poems, and in those books like a ghost. I wanna fill it up with many ghosts to haunt that bitch, like the Haunted Mansion ride.

10) I can only really connect with you in art, I secretly  don't like you.

Pirates of the Not Caring After Being There

{workin draft)

I’m on my way

You drew me a map and on it an x -

It

Marked the spot. 

You buried me deep down-

Like a

Pirate. 

Saving booty for 

The shipwreck sailors 

Holding limes for scurvy 

(expand scurrvy to coded std on then a fuked up you cant give what yo dont have motif)

Peg legs to jam into square holes

And parrots who don’t feel like talking.

I know the map by heart

And I got a ship too

I follow the stars 

I follow the tabloids  

I follow you on the Gram

I know where I’m going 

i know what im doing

My face  tattoos suggest as much

Where I’m going 

Is where you’ve been

Returning to the the scene of the 

I would offer my condolence to men 

who worshiip the 

ground you walk on

But I've no love

for Landlbbbers?

and we set sail 

at high tide 

her 

chest 

has no old 

her 

chest is empty 

empty chest

still beats without a

heart

Singing

Yo hoo Yo hoo hoo 

Shots fired

saying

"The  cannon balls on this guy" 

leaving you on your knee

or fetal postion 

crying 

Arrrrrrrrrrr

And no 

No 

No 

And

No

I am not trying to shame you. No

You have my respect 

It’s just

Just 

Injust

But the worst thing that I could ever say to hurt and anger you is

I love you. 

The rest of it the

Taunts 

And 

Slander

Well

That’s just celebrating 

That’s Fame

Not shame

skulll and bone 

brain and fuck

numb and funny

skull and bone

skull numb and bone funny

Atoms

We close our eyes-

It is cold ,

but we are looking for a moment 

where the absence of light and color 

reveals the world outside-

 

not the one

that only exists 

inside our minds. 

We are in a chilly darkness

where everything disappears 

Invisible

atoms of air 

enter you,

you exhale -

I breathe in 

atoms 

of air 

In the invisible world the atoms

Connect

Share

Exchange

We know that tree is still there-

Right? 

That there’s still a moon-

"Of course it is!"

That  when I open my eyes you’ll still be 

there-

She says "That’s down right Cartesian" 

Cogito ergo sum baby 

Cogito ergo sum

Bitch Please

Don't say that

Don't do that

Think this

Think that

We don't use those words

You must be this

or else 

I wont be that

You must be 

Be exactly like me

We are not allowed to 

say

do

think

Or else 

Or else

Bitch Please, 

it’s not my fault you can’t understand art,

nor

your 

inability

to make it.

Putting the Fun Back In

( From the Death is Just a Number Series)

The family fell apart.

My fault 

they insist.

Final straw and whatnot.

Bullshit I say.

Nothing last forever,

even their stupid and petty hate.

I find funerals have

a funny way of 

bringing people together.

You can tell me everything 

you 

wish you could say then.

In that silence 

you can imagine whatever bullshit

you want.

but 

even

6 feet of dirt

pine box

and 

a terrible case of dead

You'll hear a bird singing beautifully-

It will be me

singing 

"Fuck You!"

There's plenty of Time

(From the Death is Just a Number Series)

I could hear your voice for a second say

"Don't trip chocolate chip"

The last time we spoke was about 15 years ago-

Where did the time go? 

You died in the pandemic

I didn't attend 

the funeral.

I tried to reach your mother.

I tried.

There was no time.

We fought.  But we never mended.

I was gonna try,

one day. 

There was no time.

I  came to conclusion your what I imagined my father was like at our age.

A dick. 

But you were my like my brother,

I was a dick too.

You told me I'd marry the first girl 

who'd fuck me.

No, she went on to fuck and breed with someone else.

She loved me, but I didn't know I was too broken.

Your dumb ass knocked up a virgin on a first date, she didn't love you.

But your baby did-

No one loved me after that, 

even the ones that said they did,

 even the ones that swore they did-

My mother tells the same lie.

I came home broken 

to be further broken

and I stopped caring.

I floated 

in this swamp 

like a lotus 

trying to stay pure

just

waiting to die.

I'm still waiting.

I don't know how to love anyone

or anything.

There's no time left to learn.

There's no time

to forgive those who hurt us

to forgive love not returned

to forgive violence and humiliations for spectacle -

But then I remember

Death is Not the End dear friend-

We choose or loved ones before we are born-

I loved you so much-

I will see you again as we have for so many incarnations before and so many after.

Its all an illusion-

there's plenty of time because there is no time.

Time is an illusion

And like the Buddha 

for a second I can hear you say 

"Don't trip chocolate Chip"

There is 

only light

only love

only hope

There's no time.

There's no time to waste

Between the two of us,

you lived.

For Now

Lay your Foundation

You must learn the lay of the land-

before anyone gets a chance to lay a finger  

You must lay down your weapons- 

To lay with the 

high priestess 

You must lay down the law-

If she should try

to lay it on thick

You must lay claim- 

Before you lay your cards on the table 

Lay down your life for her-

Lay down. 

Lay down 

with the dogs

and on the third day 

You will

resurrect

And

rise among the fleas 

Guatefornia

 

1st draft the Barnes and noble version 

Some people leave their 

Hearts

In San Francisco-

Some 

Sing California 

Girls[

[use the lyrics to that old timely song]

Some place so 

Cold and far

[sinatra lady tramp quote?]

And yes

There is 

Gold in dem dar hills

California a promise 

A lie

A prayer

[get rich quick scheme 

And all the hopes 

Of the world 

Are

Born and

Aborted in

California 

Hollywood Dream 

Silicon Valley dream

[place holder reference the polyp vu]

A migrant crop

Field of dreams 

Guatefornia 

Is that dream 

Brothers 

And 

Sisters

————-

Brothers and sisters 

Amen

Okies

Have gone moved back 

To red clay 

Guatefornia is 

Steinbeck 

Vacation tourist

[souvenier. Clever libe]

 Come to fabulous 

Guatefornia 

Migrate to

El Norte 

El Norte

And when 

The tears

Have dried 

Keep going

Norte 

Post card reference 

Follow that star

The once on the walk of 

Fame

Selling star maps

To god of the stars 

In the sky

Called 

Quatezalquato 

Guatefornia 

So far from 

The home you know

The mother who

Said you

Stay pure 

Until something 

Temps you 

So how many quetzals?

Quanto?

Guatefornia 

Where a mother

Raised her child 

Under the rules of La colonia

Talking about the 7 humors 

Like it’s 

Mid evil times 

(With no dinner just {no} tournament]

Guatefornia 

Where a father 

Tries to 

Figure out 

How to put 

Food on the 

Table

And also 

Send money 

Home-

Guatefornia 

Where the kids are 

Raised 

Outside parties

The door 

And singing 

La aurora brilla on birthday 

Guatefornia 

The quetzal 

Flys 

By spreading 

It’s wings 

It loses its beautiful red 

Tail

Each a soul 

Reincarnate

From popul vuh to LA

Guatefornia 

Home 

Promise

Lie ect get pyramid crypto rich quick scheme 

The place that doesn’t blue

That doesn’t 

Have 

A welcome mat.

Guatefornia 

Mira voz 

Quetal

No me tested de tu

Luna de plata de mi serranata 

Guatefornia 

El quetzal 

Lo ?? Poiasia en La

Jolla el pajaro caged 

Triste 

Ninos en 

Jollas 

Llorarando 

Simepre Por vida

Los ninos Los quetzals 

En jollas

Guatefornia 

Brothers and sisters 

Bro 

Dude

Comp se dice

Como se dice

Estonian trieste 

Por mi 

Tierra

Guatefornia 

Punk rock

Tu madre diria 

{Es el demonio 

Y eso yes I y eso }

Goth punk 

Rock

Pero 

No solo en espanol 

Guatefornia 

The popul vuh

Predicted 

The people 

Would be like 

Asleep- 

iPhone 14

Family plan

Mommy hands 

Screen to shut small 

Hands

Teacher  hand iPads instead pride in 

The blood that

Run through 

Their veins 

Astronomers 

Mathematicians

Gods!

In Bad Shape

For V.

Oh I don't know....

I've seen worse.

It could be worse-

Ah who we kiddin'

You're in bad shape.

This is a "this too shall pass "

kinda deal right?

The way I see it,

Your a little  banged out shape, but-

we can fix you up 

back to tip top

we can fix you up 

in no time.

In no time.....

No time....

Ah fuck who we kiddin'

you're in pretty bad shape,

and it ain't pretty-

but on the Brightside 

you should see the other guy...

[

I wish you could

see-

I am the other guy-

barely alive. bleeding out

wounded,

broken.

You should see the other guy-

I wish you could see-

see me.

see.]

To Me

I no longer 

want to leave the party early-

It took a lot of work to remain.

stay.

fight.

I no longer

want to sneak out the back without saying bye, 

cuz

I didn't 

wanna get 

talked out of it.

I no longer 

want the easy way out.

I am no longer an

easy way out kind of guy. 

My sister says I am dead to her.

She poisons the ear 

of the other.

As my mother fights to remain.

As my father fights to stay.

As I fight off the thought...

There is no one left

to call sister.

So I sit here and  

tell myself 

I no longer.

Remind myself

I no longer.

Breathe in prayer

please 

No longer...

[And 

the party goes on.

Sisters or no sisters,

the days will get shorter

time is shorter-

reasons to stay, [shrink]-

But I will remain 

and dance by myself 

till the last song.]

The Stuff That Dreams are Made Of

 ‘nihilo sanctum estne?’- Rushmore

Good ol' Gilgamesh-

We were worried 

Hasn't hung out for Happy Hour, 

Hung over Hungry Horny

Howling-

Giving a "Good Grief"

Having a Half a Mind too-

Giving em Hell!

You

 and

 Enkidu-

yelling 

"Lets  fuck with the gods"!

(Till he got himself killed)

You were dreaming of becoming immortal,

till she came along-

Saying "You are made of stars"

But stars are not immortal.

"This is the stuff that dreams are made 

of" she said

as two black holes pull one another 

in the center of the 

galaxy

Unable to destroy one another- 

Eternally in dance.

Don't Go

 "Shall we look at the moon, my little loon?

 Why do you cry?

 Make the most of your life, while it is rife

While it is light" - Sufjan Steven

Your love,  it is what I want most in this  miserable world.

You are in all women.

You are the voice in my head

Don't go

Your love when did I lose it?

I'm the baby in your arms 

I am my fathers cruelty

Don't go

You tried so hard,

I know.

Don't go...

You gave me my name-

And the birthmarks on my face 

are the birthmarks on yours

like 

a map of the cosmos to you.

Don't Go

And the cloud

that hangs above your head,

hangs upon mine.

It was always a gift 

Don't go

You are still here,

I am still abandoned 

You've never seen me the way I see me

Your son is a Dragon, the Noble Wolf 

Gifted with a heart so full of love.

I am not my father.

I will put together one of my schemes-

Who do I have to beg?

I will beg 

I will find the lambs for the alter

And every woman, 

becomes you. 

Always asking do you love me? 

You said no one will ever love you as much as I do?

Don't leave me looking for you everywhere

and 

proving that I was never worthy of  their love

worthy of your love.

stay

My god

My creator

My mother

You tried so hard,

I know

Don't Go... 

Mitch Kramer

 I don't think we are going to find the arcade?

Roll me a ciggy, yeah?

I'll have a Macha as well.

Let me cut your hair,

put a bowl on

your head and give you bangs.

You told me I told the Guatemalan

girl it would never work out

Tell her that's my sisters name.

This is what I needed-

I see you old friend.

and

you see me.

Michelle is listening to Spoon.

My work here is done.

No No Its Cool, Sam's A Therapist

 'Ardently do today what must be done. Who knows? Tomorrow, death comes"- Da Homie Siddhartha Gautama

I. 

II.

This kind of shit just happens 

at this dive.

Like the time 

the one arm lawyer with 

the two chicks from Estonia,

(not prostitutes,  I'm sure)

told me he probably knew Morgan

maybe from that lawyer group

or 

the StarTrek set 

from the time he got beamed up by Hollywood.

But he filled in the blanks 

like a wonk about man god and law.

Saying 

Morgan never had a chance of winning,

his Bailey Wick,

not mine.

But this time out

I came here to be alone with my thoughts

among the drunks and singers

Getting flittered with by men,

(Flattered but No)

Getting limes with my cans 

(I tip well)

Getting a pack smokes after 4 years.

(Reckless-Destructive)

I sing 

in anger

I sing

in pain

I sing

like I believe this is the last

thing I will ever say.

I sing

I sing

Amy sings sad songs

tells me she is sad too.

So many sad songs tonite.

(Isreal sings X Factor

 and my heart breaks

as the words 

hit like a rock through a window of opportunity

 (while that one dude won't 

leave me alone, flattered but no thank you)

It is time to go outside

to move one ciggy closer to death.

 (Michelle rolled me one 

earlier, but it wouldn't stay lit.)

I guess  its going to be that kind of night.

The girl with cool square 

glasses 

listens to my story.

I begin my sailor tale.

Drunk.

She says  some people choose songs

that mean nothing-

I have meant every verse-

Sam eavesdrops

its okay

its okay

He's a therapist...

The next thing I know 

I am weeping,

crying

No 

No

Its okay, Sam

he's a therapist.

Sam talks in term of Erikson, Freud, Jung, Skinner, Piaget, Pavlov and Maslow 

I gotta 

cut the Buddhist shit out

he don't know what I mean about 

Dharma and the Path of Freedom 

and beer.

I say I don't want to do this again in the next incarnation....

He says let her heal,

on her time-

and I begin to cry.

I tell em' I hate him for being right. 

He says do not forget 

yourself 

Do not forget 

your great self .

He doesn't understand

I will remove my mask for

her.

Where there is no self...

I will

Swallow my pride.

Concede.

He hugs me

more times than I have fingers on a hand.

But  all is Brahman 

I listen.

I listen.

I'm weeping-

there are strangers here.

The ciggy my hand was a choice 

towards death,

but instead I have been guided 

toward life, 

self forgiveness, and release.

I put my mask back on,

man up,

and 

go home.

This kind of shit happens at this dive 

to me all the time. 

This is suppose to happen. 

I am listening my lord.

All is Brahman 

All is Brahman.

I will give her what she needs 

from me willingly. 

I hear you my lord.

In Depend Dance Day

"But it's my pride yes it is, yes it is, oh yes it is yeah

"- JL

You said to not to come over

for awhile

a long while

We were gonna see 

the fireworks 

provided by the good 

people of East L.A

I was gonna see

the fireworks

in you.

But all the other

plans 

so many.

[But I get it,

the other one been filling up my

suggestion box as well.]

I am suppose to come back

with Mezcal and Fresh Fruit?

Can I come back?

I want to come back.

You did the math,

It took a decade to 

light the fuse

to pull my 

hand 

and watch 

it explode

in a night filled with other lights.

No hard feelins

Your time was cherry bomb

fast, loud and dangerous

fun-

If you do call my

name again 

I will bring the matches

and you

the Dynamite.

Wrong Answers Only Please

Both of em'

Jesus what are chances

today 

the play falls apart.

I know 

I know

I fucked it up.

But Back to Back 

I know 

I know

I told you soo

like clockwork

like coordination

like cahoots 

One does the math 

adding me up 

then by subtraction

and 

Other wants 

to recommend 

reading material 

documents and sites to

help assist in my self care

Harvard Law 

in the wings

still owes me a cigar

while we

 slum it in Van Nuys

she's already met my mother

But she's smart enough to 

call out sick with a case

of go fuck yourself 

but the other two

Jesus..

or whatever the micro dose

makes you see

Shiva holds thier hand in Abhaya Mudra- 

caution...child

this is just a play,

The show must go on...

The Sexy Divorcee

"I aint gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more"- Bobby D

I'm just an innocent-

just a boy in his 40's

naïve to the ways of the world,

don't know any women 

just girls.

Thinking cynicism is

a type of spice that 

goes on pies

I give it the old college try. 

I'm friends with the Sexy Divorcee,

what can I say?

Like a Belle 

and Sebastian song,

everything so right but so wrong. 

The situation makes me nervous,

but

I haven't promised you anything yet.

I bet  she's running late to something better

she hasn't been invited to yet...

I don't see my reflection in many women these days

I doubt I ever will.

But that's part of the thrill 

the wait until-

I'm friends with the Sexy Divorcee,

what can I say?

Listen, 

I had to get it out my system.

Learn about love

from the one who made

vows,  

all retired now

I wanna stick around but I don't know how....

do you know what I mean-

there's no plan,

where there's a will..

do you understand?

I want you to know me

and I'll stay 

until-

You say "I do"

and

I say you "do" too.

A Week of Love Songs

 "Do you re member me?"- J. Scott

what did you think would happen-

you got me listening to these songs of love and longing, 

so I can practice my Jill Scott.

Its Love, The Way ect ect 

How am I not suppose to think of you,

listening to love songs over and over 

(Crimson and Clover)

You are not even gonna take me-

Are you?

Week full of love songs.

You'd say that's My problem.

but you know, it's now Yours too. 

A week full of love songs...

Sing them to me-

I want to sing them to you.

Crumble

You've been leaving 

crumbs 

hoping I'll starve.

But 

I was 

already left for dead.

(By you. Before.)

Your crumbs 

will not sate the hunger-

(The hunger is just always there)

No

your crumbs are just enough 

to keep me alive,

for now.

Just enough

to collect 

over time 

and 

lay them on the ground 

when 

the day  comes, 

you lead me into that dark haunted forest.

The darkest forest-

(the one with sexy witch in a spooky dress 

who lives in the candy house)

[why can’t you see she 

Does Not

Love you.

It’s the spooky dark 

Forest 

For 

the 

Trees

And with those crumbs,

I can 

find my way 

maybe back home,

maybe to you, 

maybe one 

and the same.

Erica with Bangs

 Honey 

I'm here to think about her,

Drink-

Sing into this microphone

to strangers.

Get it out-

(one way or another)

Erica is rockin out-

you keep dancing with 

fury of youth.

Your energy rocks louder than 

any voice in this dive.

I tell you: you are my rock and roll hero.

I hug my rock and roll hero. 

She's got bangs. She would 

wouldn't she.

(Who lets babies into bars )

This song is for some other.

 but-

Stick around and clap for us, Erica with bangs.

Rock out  

I see you. 

The Return of The Nefarious X

 Look up there!

In the shawdows-

The streets-

There is 

Danger.

Look up there!

There was …

in

The shawdows-

On the roof,

Of that building. 

I saw him there!

There -

it’s the Nefarious X!

The

Nefarious X

is back 

Motherfuckers!

Beware-

The Night is mine 

To claim-

Criminal underworld 

Beware!

Liars, Cheaters and Garbage people 

Beware!

If these words don’t knock you out

With  a KAPOW

These fists 

Will…

Andrew Dreams of Trains

(From the Getaway Series)

His eyes go wide 

with the love for trains.

He can't hide it.

Enthusiasm  is contagious-

Clack Clack Clack

and in the background-

there is the sound of the ocean tide.

Ah little one 

(Le Petit Prince) 

Standing behind your mother 

Like a light house guiding you

in this life.

Keeping you safe.

You peek 

as she stands proud and 

one day you will want to go see where the trains go-

move from behind your mother,

but that is someday-

 

Brave little guy

Born curious always akin "why"?,

(Don't worry kid even I'm still askin "why")

You love the trains

and like a train one day

 love will take you

where need go. 

You were born brave, 

well maybe not quite born brave-

No, no you get that from your mother.

No the Jeff Buckely Version

(From the Getaway series)

There

in that old room of yours-

the music that played 

was the sound 

of youth.

I was so young, careless and clueless 

about who you were-

how much you would stay a part of me.

"But you don't really care for music do you?"

There

in that room 

mattress on the floor listening to your music collection-

 Grant Lee Buffalo-

Hefner-

 The Replacements-

(and I thought I was cool).

But

it was the  sad songs

that were answered prayers from a god 

who hadn't been pickin up in a while.

You'd play Jeff Buckley- 

 

Hallelujah would 

flood your room 

No Ark 

No dove 

No olive branch of forgiveness 

We drown in 

the sound of man with the voice like golden halo of light 

proclaiming thou shalt weep for love one day-

(and that day will comes for all)

It filled the room  like the light of a candle 

 inside of the ribs

filling us up

overflowing in you

illumining your great blue eyes.

 

It feels like love, 

and its evil twin

at the same time.

"And all I ever learned from love was how to shoot 

somebody who outdrew you."

the sad ones

Hallelujah 

the sad ones-

the ones I would played with you there

the ones I would play even after you were no longer there.

 Here

 in this room the song plays 

again after so long and the room is empty 

Here

even with the one 

who brought me back-

(even with her here)

Here

the 

room is empty

smaller 

cold 

and dark 

The song shines again

a halo 

a halo

singing

"love is not a victory march,

Its a cold and broken Hallelujah"

The people in this room

disappear

she disappears 

and for moment we are perfect 

in your room again.

You sing into my ear again. 

Billionaires Will Save Us

 Billionaires will save us 

Emerging  from the sun.

They will ride in chariots of gold  

Billionaires will teach the savage to grow crops

Of maize and durum

They will heal the sick and the lame.

They will bring the gift of song and dance.

They will save us all.

They will slay the monsters under beds and in closets

They will take on big tobacco

They will  part the sea 

They will promise to have and to hold

To  honor and protect 

In sickness and in health

Billionaires will accept you 

Billionaires will understand you

Billionaires will love you 

Open the gates!

Send the children and beautiful maidens holding baskets of flowers and wearing crowns of daisies in their hair-

 to greet them and shower them with petals.

Praise them 

Praise them 

Hallelujah

On a carpet of the finest velvet 

 (no expense is spared)

lead every billionaire -

Lead one by one to the special thrones of gold.

Where they will sit 

and watch as the guillotine is prepared in their honor.

They will sit 

Watch and wait 

Wait and watch

until it is their time to gently and lovingly place their necks 

Into the stock-

And regret- 

Regret that they only have one life to give…

(for you, for me)

Billionaires will save us, 

and wash away all our sins.

Amen.