out loud

I don't even know why
I decided to approach her,
I don't even smoke anymore.

and

Yes,
when she told me her parents were
from Guatemala,

there was a part of me that....
I mean it crossed my mind...
I took it
under consideration-


I liked the way it was
going,
it reached a point
where you were taking me seriously,
and
she waited for one of us
to blink.

I blinked.

I let her off the hook-

I know Guatemalan's
I happen to be one.

and

Of all the Guatemalan men
I have met,
all but one has
let me down.

She seemed like a nice
girl,
why would I do that to her.

I would i inflict upon her
a Guatemalan man,
I would i inflict myself upon
her.

or
maybe I just spared
myself years,
and years of whatever the name for it is...

after all she is a Guatamelan woman.

although, then again, and
however-

I have come to accept that
one day I will have children
who might be inter- racial
mixed,
exotic?

meeting her-
well,
it gave
me pause.

I realized I
would like to have
Guatamelan children.


I told Bob
about meeting her.

He called her the idealized "one"

I cringed in
embarrassment-
not because it wasn't true-


There's
just something about
hearing your hopes
out loud.

09'