santa cruz

I met Rick
the first week of college.

We all went on a trip to Santa Cruz,
it was his hometown.

While there
we went to visit an angel.

A home town girl
Rick had left behind
or something.

She was a charming creature,
bright eyed,
with
tanned skin
cared for and loved
by the sun
of Santa Cruz.

We all went to beach.

I had never seen the ocean at night
before.

Fantasies of growing up near the ocean were born,
fantasies of growing up with her.

This was a whole different life
i would never know.

Rick and the girl
ran onto the beach.

the two of
them,
undressed
then ran off into ocean.

They ran into the night,
fading into the dark.
(it was a goddamn teenage movie.)

Remembering it brings me a
small joy.

It wasn't exactly my memory and
I don't remember
it perfectly-

But goddammit I hope somebody does.

11'

Deus Ex Machina

My father was a
villain.

A real bastard.

He taught me to take
a beating like a champ.

And
like a slot machine, he
gambled
on what sort man he would make
out of his son,
each time he raised his arm.

two strokes calmed him down,
for awhile, and only for awhile.

he became a bastard
from his wheelchair too.

There were times I'd damn him
to hell,
even though I do not
believe in hell.

There were times I'd pray
for him,
and times I'd see him pray,
(perhaps for me).

I was sure He
loved me,
the way a god loves his creations.

The way God loves
the serpent
the locust
the weed

My father was a villain,
until one day he wasn't.

One day it stopped.

It just stopped
like the way
it stops raining
or
the way a match goes out.

It just stopped
as if God had some free time
between wars and famine to resolve
this drama.

Whatever the reason, it does not
matter anymore.

I forgive him, I love him.

My father was a villain,
He was.

11'

In the future there will be televison

when I think of my future,
there is not much fear.

when I was young I
was afraid of what
would become of me.

not knowing if I would
sleep alone in my bed
or if there would be children
but not much of a paycheck.

would I fail,
squander potential,
go
mad in an empty room?

would I become my father?

when I was young I was afraid.

but now I am in the future of
my younger self.

alone.
no wife, no children.
no status.

I am unable to afford
a dentist
a doctor
let alone
flowers, chocolates or
rings.

I watch television shows
about the universe and physics,
meth cooks and
policewomen.

my dog curls by my side
every night, as
I go to sleep at 4am.

there are far worse,
fates.

I no longer
fear the future.

besides,
I am confident
the bombs will never go off
the world will not end
and
there will be television in the future.

11'