The Grave Digger

For Gigi



There is no hole deep enough

to bury the longing to walk with you again.

But I keep digging.

I try to do a good job.

Making a perfect hole.

But there no hole 

deep enough to bury

what I feel.

What am i burying?

It is not the love for you.

It is not the memory of you.

It is not my own suffering.

I try to do a good job,

Making a perfect hole.

I am tired of thinking of all

the things I could have done 

differently.

To keep you alive.
(If any)

My heart aches.

I want to at least get this one

miserable thing 

right.

To show you I love you,
one last time.

Gigi

She was tough old broad.
Beautiful.
So small-

white fur. black lips.
Big black eyes that looked
into your soul.

She only had 6 teeth,
but that never stopped her
from picking fights with
the trash of this world.

fierce
fearless

She was a tough old broad.

But her love was tender.
frail
fragile.

She made my life better.
Her love was loyal -
She was better than most people.

Time is unforgiving.
cruel.
Time takes.

You try so hard to hold on.

In my heart
I still hold you like a baby.

I hold you like a baby.

Baby It's Cold Inside

(B side)

I'm not the brightest guy 

when it comes to women. 

Are you still gonna 

see me in the new year.

Were you ever?

Did you just let me down

cold yesterday,

or did I just let myself  down.

You did come with us to breakfast.

Is that it?

Or-

Do you want to listen

to some Sinatra with me?

Keep warm in winter.

(I can keep quiet 

about your sweater choice this time)

You can make me another 

of your famous Bourbon drinks.

I'll promise not to try and sleep with

you, if you just stay a little longer.

I'm not sure what she has told you

about me, 

but I don't get melancholy that often.

(Just times like these)

You've been good company so far.

I could use a new friend.

Maybe in the New Year,

Maybe longer..

I'm not the brightest guy,

when it comes to women.

But I've got some bourbon

and some Sinatra.

I don't have to be the brightest,

I don't have to think-

just forget.

Hooray for Hollywood

You tell me you need a friend.
The holidays are tough.

So I leave the comfort of home
and drive to out to see you.

It's Christmas night and
 I am still
putting myself together as well.

Helping you, just might help me.

I pick you up
and take you to the drugstore across the street.
It's open.

I want you to see people,
I want you to see life.

This place is as good as any.

I never had all the answers
but I can share
what I've learned.

All is Brahman.

The sadness and joy.
The loneliness and love.
The grace and the longing.

I want you to see the world differently.
I want you to see yourself in the eyes of strangers.

Connect with this world you feel so disconnected from.

If you can see the light in this place, in these people,
then there is hope for you,
hope for  me-
hope for this world.

Each one of these strangers is an opportunity.
Each an opportunity to be brave.

Be brave.

We leave, there is nothing more to teach you here.

So I take you to a place
where dreams fight to stay alive, but mostly die.
I take you to the streets of  Hollywood.

The tourist
The street people
The lights

All is Brahman.

We walk in the cold,
even on Christmas the streets are full of people.
Each one invested in the illusion.
Believing in the separation between one another.

They want the lights
They want to be close to something bigger than themselves
They want their names written on the side walks

They want to feel something is happening.

And it is.

Something is happening here,
and everywhere if you know how to see.

detach from the illusion-
let it go.
forgive
the trash of this world

Each piece of trash is an opportunity
to become the enlightened soul that you already are,
but won't admit.

you can't teach anyone to be anything they're not.
the desire to be something else than what you are, is why you suffer.

You don't need to be anything else.

Be sad, be angry, just be.

In that acceptance,
is silence.

In that silence,
will come the answer you need so desperately
and had all along.

In that silence
you will understand,
your thoughts are not you.

the past-
its gone
but what happened, is exactly the way it was suppose to.

its what you needed to get here,
so that you get there.

and even if everything
I've said amounts to nothing.

It is all I know.
It is all I can teach you.

There in the dirty street
There in a song
There in  the face of a man begging for change.

It is all you.
You created it all.

To get to this present moment.

We head back to the car,
there nothing left to learn tonight.

Outside the McDonald's
I see Marilyn Monroe's
name on Hollywood Walk of fame.

I ask you to take a picture of me next to it,
free of irony.

In the grand illusion,
and in the absence of flowers this will do.

All Brahman

Grinch Heart

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. 
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus, 
You're as charming as an eel,"
-You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch



I have a condition.

The medical term for it is
Grinch Heart.

I'm hoping to beat the odds

And like a doctor,
A woman performed open heart surgery-

to open my heart.

Now my heart is open
and three sizes larger,
but the woman was gone after the Fall,

After my fall for her, 

like a leaf from a tree,
with only the ground to catch me.

The surgery left my heart open,
The fall left me bruised.
and now the Winter is here.

I think about the new girl in the ugly dress,
I think about the
 New Year,
Connecticut,
and if I'll ever see her again.


Home is here
I'm here
Winter is here 

and
she is somewhere else.

So, it's just me and my dog.
and this old Grinch Heart of mine.

Still open, and bruised after the Fall.

This old Grinch Heart of mine,

and body
have taken quite a beating.

Yes, 

it keeps on beating

Keeps on beating.

Jane

the last time I saw you I was blue.
I know you loved me, I didn't want to worry you.
(that's no way to leave someone)

I came looking for you.

But, I am blue.

I put on my bravest face,
to at least pretend I wasn't.

My life is coming together.
I've made changes since I last saw you.
Changes I'm proud of.

I wanted you to be proud of me too.

You were like a mother.
You protected me the best you could.

You knew me then,
You knew her too.

I wanted you to know I'm healing.
I think I can love again.

I'm sorry I never called or wrote.
I didn't want  you to worry.

But I'm here now.

You were like a mother to me,
(except you'd take issue with that)

No, you'd want me to remember
 you as the girl in your stories.

A young coquette in the 70's-

New York City
Single
Carefree

A heart breaker.

A woman who could have any man.
(before you settled for a man named Leonard)

That is the woman named Jane.

I came looking, after so many years.
but I was a couple years too late.

You've left this place too.
It broke my heart.

I'm sorry Jane, I'm too late.

But I'll remember you as that girl in New York.
You'd have broken my heart even then.

Escape Velocity

I had to get out of town.
As far away from myself as I could.

I had to make a run for it.

There is a dark gravity trying to pull
me in.

I can feel it closing in.

I can out run the pain,
if I just drive fast enough.

I can reach Escape Velocity.

For the first time,
I knew what to do.

I was not running from you.
I was running to you.

Split

The three of us stand in middle of the parking lot,
with a bag full of loot.

We're gonna split it up three ways.

One for you,
two for  you...
One Two Three for me.

Were gonna split it up and part ways.

Today is last day
I work with them.

They are kind enough to make it last just a little longer.

In the past I would slip out,
(Quietly)
like a thief and make a getaway.

No-

That's no way
to say goodbye to friends.

I want to stay here as long as I can.

But.
the bag goes empty.
Its time to go home and other places.
Its time to split.

Later I will treasure, this shared plunder.