Poem Scraps

I.
While writing other things:
 
De Incendiis Corporis Humani Spontaneis
Human Combustion

I hate the both of you,
one times 2,
one times 3.

She is ugly in a beautiful kind of way
She is beautiful in ugly kind of way

In the morning she will have a story
to tell of how she narrowly avoided getting wet.

II.
I have felt your
hands slipping before-

maybe I've no right
to try  to hold
your hand tighter.

From the moment you came into my life,
I've tried to prepare for you leaving.

I learned we are the same with
goodbyes.

Sneaking out,
in silence.

(We have that in common)

But if you don't hear from me again,
its because i've run out of ways to
say I'm sorry.

III.
Letting  you in,
has been a most dangerous thing.

I've know
Carelessness
Indifference
Rejection
before.

but compared
to the damage I do to myself
you and all the rest,
have been amateurs.

Fucking amateurs.

"If you want something done right,
you gotta do it your self."

IV.
I was told-
that my soul

was under the impression,
that suffering was the surest way to you.

There are times
I question everything you do.

Including your very existence.

In matters of my heart,
I thought you most cruel.

Waiting to the last possible moment to answer.

I don't want to suffer anymore.

So you've granted me
Mercy-

You let me see you in eyes of woman.
You let me feel you in her heart.
You let me feel you in my own heart.

Then you took it away.

Mercy-

V.
So hands join together not hold, but to clap
So she says "its time to go, I drawn you a map.
So the spring that released set in motion a trap
So empty the box, left behind like the gift to unwrap

VI.
 as if
We will never die,

though the flame will
weaken into embers.

What was once a raging fire-
(consuming all in its path)
must become ashes.

There is a cycle of destruction  and birth.

what came before
what comes after,
what was destroyed this cycle
gave birth.

It gives birth to us.

VII.
For the moment, I feel they have lifted the curse,
the one given to me at birth, to carry by hearse, on my way back to the earth.



12/13- 7/15

Sometime We Ask

Sometimes we ask for a miracle and the answer is no.

You tried your best 

to save me from my sins.

My mother stood by me.

There is a karma to theses things.

I think I saw a butterfly flutter by.

I took it as a sign.

But it was just a butterfly.

Sometimes we ask for a miracle 

and the answer is no.

The Call

we were sitting on the grass,
you were looking so pretty in the light of day.

you took off your shoes
we watch the squirrels do their dance.

They chase one another.

One in the tree waiting so gracefully for the other
and
the second stalls, keeping the first in suspense.

Then chase  turns to dance-
something calls the other, and they just can't run away.

Perhaps it is 

the call of nature…

I turn back to you,
and your lookin so pretty in the sun.

You put your hand on my knee like its gonna be alright-
as if the world ain't so bad.

You say its a good thing the phone hasn't rung,
so I run to a tree before its too late to knock on wood.

You pick up the phone as it starts to ring
superstitiously-
(oh so ironically)
but it was gonna happen sooner later.

Nothing can last
not her beauty
not the dance
not hope

It can not last-

The future is unpredictable-
The present is perfect.

Her hand on my knee can not last.

The Dance must end
The Chase must end
and
one will either escape or the other  must be
be caught.

And then, well I can not know until it happens...

There is this moment-

There is nothing else.

I look at you one last time,
stand up, brush off grass 

and you put on your shoes.

My life's about to change,
in ways I still do not understand yet.

We were waiting for a call,

but really we waiting on a miracle.

You were so pretty, everything else fades away.

My world is about to burn.

I will use you.

I will use her.

I will start a new fire to ignore the other.

I have a difficult conversation ahead of me,
as different girl must be let go,
a different girl who does not want my love
who also does not need my love.

I must answer the call.

Frozen in Carbonite

And I swear

if you saw it

you could see there was something there.

When

 they turned me around 

and took me away,

My heart 

speaks the words

"I know"

I didn't get to see the look upon your face.

but the other day

my mother 

said the way 

you looked at me,

a woman knows.

Your bags were packed.

You fly off. 

She says she's never seen star wars.

You Made Your Mother Cry

{Draft 1

You've made your mother cry.

You broke your mothers heart..

She says

we are poor,

we don't much except 

the honor of name.

you name is only thing you have.
keep it clean

keep your name clean.

Be the lotus in the swamp

Whose leaves stay white among

the swamp.

stay pure.

You've marred your name.

You're cover in mud

You failed her one 

request of you.

In the swamp is where I was born into

and  

the rain 

like her tears

will never

make me clean.

[I am the lotus 

stained 

I am the lotus

impure

I am the lotus

I am the swamp]

 

a serious woman

I.

She is the first woman
I have ever trusted completely.
So, absolutely.

I trust her,
I believe in her.

For the first time,
I do not question,
I do not doubt,
I do not require to be loved.

I trust her to save me-
not from my crimes,
but from myself.

II.


My love, it is not required here.
Only my trust.

I have not trusted girlfriends
or my mother.

I have not trusted therapists
or the women who have told me they loved me.

I have not trusted the women who were kind to me,
but I believed the ones that were cold.
(though that was not trust either)

I have not trusted my teachers,
or the Angels
who said they'd watch over me.

But I trust her.
With so much at stake,
I trust her.

I trust her because,
she is the most serious woman I know.



She wears a heart around her neck,
and square rim glasses frame eyes,
that see my sins.

She towers over me in heels.
She flips her pen
and her hair sticks up when she moves it to the side.

She is the most serious woman I know.

My love,
and the love of others, has so often failed me-

So I give her my trust,
because there can be no failing this time.

III.

Love has never been honest
Love has never come through
Love has never been kind

Love,
My love, it is not required here.
Only my trust.

Love requires that you accept the knife
will be plunged from the back.

But the absence of love
does not guarantee the absence of a knife
to plunge-
(That is the beauty of trust)

Trust requires only that "if", 

and only "if" it should come to that,
it will be quick and painless.

(And she will look you in the eyes)

With so much at stake,
what I required most is a serious woman.

A most serious woman, who has the answers,
who flips her pen.

Believing she is part of god's master plan for me.
Believing she is a chance at redemption
Believing she, unlike the rest, will not fail me.

I have long ago stopped believing in miracles-
I believe in her.

I Forgot All About That

I remember
you invited me to your roommates baby shower,
and I never made it because I spent the whole day making spaghetti for the potluck.
You got mad, because I called late at night to ask if I should still bring my dish.
You also invited me to Lou's party, but never gave me the address.

I remember
you dancing to Outkast with your roommate and me in your living room, and it was the kind of moment that brings a small light in remembering it. You also tried to teach me the Beyonce moves from Crazy in Love, but I never had much coordination.

I remember
the Polaroid pictures of you on the potty, taken by your then live in boyfriend, hanging on the wall, before we were even introduced. Even before meeting, I knew the person in those pictures might understand the Zen of it all. You also asked your then boyfriend to do me that one favor, that one time.

I forgot that
we were going to be roommates but I still hadn't gotten my act together then.
we were going to be writing partners and make a children's book like the Hubley's did "The Hat"
but we never got around to it. we saw my ex girlfriend at the Pixies concert and you gave her a dirty look for me.

I forgot that
we were going to be pen pals, but I never sent out the first letter, even though I sat down and finished it. we were going to watch the movie "Manhattan" in a cemetery, but can't remember why we didn't go. we went to that Japanese restaurant where the owner gives you free desert if she likes you, and she did.

I forgot that
we were close at one time. we were part of each others lives, until I told you that I saw my spiritual reflection in you, and you turned on me. You got mad that I would impose that feeling on you, that I would violate some boundary. I didn't say I loved you, but what I said was just as bad.
(To you, maybe worse.)

I had never told anyone I saw my reflection in them before, I doubt ever will again.
Either way you didn't want anything to do with spiritual reflections or me, ever again.

It hurt to lose you so completely.
We were friends, then nothing.

I wish I could forget how it ended.
I wish I could forget the details.
I wish I could forget we were close at one time.

I but I have to remember, so that at least one of us does.

There Are Easier Ways to Get Laid

"You can't love everyone, but you can be kind."-Father Yod



Before He was a Cult leader of young beautiful people
Before He was Father Yod, the lead singer of Yahowha 13
Before He was God cheating on his wife, sleeping with underage girls-

He was just Jim Baker, millionaire.

Who,
Killed a couple of guys with Judo chops,
Robbed a few banks,
and
Opened a successful organic vegetarian restaurant on the Sunset strip.

(Yes the same one Annie Hall and Alvy broke up at)

It was a crazy time back then.
It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Maybe it was because his 19 year old hippie bride turned him on to the new age
Maybe it was the Swami who had all those Rolls Royce in his garage.
Maybe it was smoking that sacred herb.

But that crazy bastard started his own cult.

Founded on the idea of pleasure,
he was followed by young Beautiful women.
he was followed by young Men who looked like Jesus.
So many of them all living in the Hollywood Hills.

(Yes, Even Harold without Maude, once joined)

Jim Baker millionaire, became Father Yod cult leader.

Touch him and the world disappears
Look at him and see lighting bolts shoot out his ears
Turn to him and he can blow life into a still born baby

It was a crazy time back then.
It was the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

(Yes, then it got weird)

Teaching Sex Magic.
Singing lead in the cult's band.
Playing high school shows recruiting the youth.
Taking 13 new brides at once, while forgetting all the others he walked out on.

His followers believed they were chosen to usher in the new Aquarian age

believing Armageddon  was coming

so they moved to Hawaii.

But, Hawaii was no paradise.

There,
only on mushrooms did
he finally admit he was not god, but just a man

He was just a man.
It was over.

In the end He went hang gliding-
without having taken any lessons.

There was a strong wind that day,
that brought a man down from the heavens,
and returned him back to hard cold earth.

It was the age of Aquarius.
It was a different time back then.

There had to have been easier ways to get laid.