There's plenty of Time

(From the Death is Just a Number Series)

I could hear your voice for a second say

"Don't trip chocolate chip!"

The last time we spoke was about 15 years ago-

Where did the time go? 

You died in the pandemic.

I didn't attend 

the funeral.

I tried to reach your mother.

I tried.

There was no time.

We fought.  

That was a long time ago.

We never mended.

I was gonna try,

one day. 

There was no time.

I  came to conclusion you're what I imagined

my father was like at our age.

A dick. 

But you were my like my brother,

I was a dick too.

You told me I'd marry the first girl 

who'd fuck me.

No, she went on to fuck 

and

 breed with someone else.

She loved me, 

but I didn't know I was too broken.

Your dumb ass,

knocked up a virgin on a first date, 

she didn't love you.

But your baby did-

I left the Bay- 

broken hearted

by the closest I ever came to 

putting a ring  on a finger-

and bending the knee.

No one loved me after that, 

even the ones that said they did,

even the ones that swore they did-

My mother tells the same lie.

I came home broken 

to be further 

broken

and I stopped caring.

I floated 

in this swamp like a lotus-

Slowly drifting- 

trying to stay pure-

just waiting to die.

I'm still waiting.

I don't know how to love anyone

or anything.

There's no time left to learn.

There's no time

to forgive those who hurt us

to forgive love not returned

to forgive violence and humiliations for spectacle -

But then I remember

Death is Not the End. 

dear friend-

We choose our loved ones before we are born-

I loved you so much-

I will see you again, as we have ,

for so many incarnations before and will so many after.

It's all an illusion-

there's plenty of time because 

there is no time.

Time is an illusion

And like the Buddha 

for a second I can hear you say

 

"Don't trip chocolate Chip..."

There is- 

only light

only love

only eternity

There's no time.

There's no time to waste

Between the two of us,

you lived.

For Now, only for now.