pity dance

Moments in I realize-

that this is a pity dance,
that she might be under the impression she is doing me a favor-

helping me out,
somehow-

maybe making assumptions.

I find myself dancing with a girl looking away
off into the distance
a million miles away from where we are-

this is a pity dance-

my ego is
wounded-

my ego feels
ashamed-

I find myself dancing with a girl whose eyes
are looking into a near distant future-
or the past
anywhere but here.

and I am doing the same-

trying to escape
the here and now-

when it hits me,
i love to dance,
i find a joy in it.
i love to dance no matter how god awful i am
i love to dance no matter whose watching

i love to feel alive
in my own body.

[i love to feel alive

because in my mind:

i've wasted time fighting myself
i've wasted time fighting enjoyment
i've wasted life

my ego goes quiet,
my ego goes silent

as i connect with
the present.

as i try to connect with the eyes
of her.

connect with her body

connect with the sound, and moment

connect with it all of it, letting it in

awakened
aware
alive

letting go of the whys
and hows

being here,
now.
being present

[fuck it, people wait their lives
for spiritual moments to happen in spiritual places.
but that is not life, that is waiting.]

it was a pity dance:
It was a pity i wasted half the dance, with a nice girl.

09'